The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I cut my penus on the lid.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
