Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
