She's JV to your varsity
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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