just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
