i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
