I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
