my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
