When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
