If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
