Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
