if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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