I'm so fucking centered right now
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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