my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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