I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
