now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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