She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
