I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He? As in you personified your dick?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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