I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
