is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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