I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
