be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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