I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
