so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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