Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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