no, he came in my armpit
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
