I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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