: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
