So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
