Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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