if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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