Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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