you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
