My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
