Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
