I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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