I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
