I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
