Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I want to fling myself into the sun
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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