Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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