I have demons in me.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
