Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
