I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
