Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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