I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
