You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
