I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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