It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
