my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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