First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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