i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
