If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
